luvrhino (luvrhino) wrote,

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Basically, i'm the culmination of billions of years of evolution.

Well, i just sat down and hammered out a rough draft for my first online personal ad. Out of interest in getting constructive criticism and recycling my writings whenever possible, i've posted it here. I've attached my own criticism at the end, but please let me know what you think.

I do know that after rereading it, i can hardly resist jumping my own bones...:

Last great book I read:
The last truly great book i've read is probably Dave Eggers's 'A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius.' For more data points, here are my three favorite novels:

'The World According to Garp' - John Irving
'A Confederacy of Dunces' - John Kennedy Toole
'The Broom of the System' - David Foster Wallace

FYI, given the opportunity i'll prattle on about my favorite books for hours.

Most humbling moment:
Quite possibly taking out this personal ad...

Favorite on-screen sex scene:
I was going to tell this elaborate story about how i had sex on top of a big screen TV at a Best Buy during the 2000 Republican National Convention, but i have this nasty honesty streak that won't let me lie like that.

It was a K-Mart.

Celebrity I resemble most:
A few sycophantic friends have flattered me by saying that i write like David Sedaris. I may be good, but not that good. Physically, what i say is kind of irrelevant since you can see my picture above and see that i don't really look like anyone, other than the physical manifestation of perfection.

Best (or worst) lie I've ever told:
I look like the physical manifestation of perfection.

If I could be anywhere at the moment:
With you, baby.


Song or album that puts me in the mood:
The song that puts me in the mood is my date's laughter at my various attempts at humor.

The five items I can't live without:
Something to read, humor, Diet Coke, big juicy brains, and, i must admit, the internet.

In my bedroom, you'll find:
Pretty much only your standard bedroom fare. No mirrors on the ceiling, no bondage gear, no barnyard animals...though under my bed there very well may be a menagerie of dust fauna.

why you should get to know me:
I am fiercely intelligent. And modest. I think my personality is swell, though you can pretty much judge that for yourself from this here ad. I am exceedingly kind and considerate unless you've done something to earn my wrath. Then i'm a right bastard. Don't worry, i'm rather laidback, so it takes a lot to earn my wrath. I've remained friends, or at least friendly, with everyone i've dated, so my wrath isn't something you should fear so much as embrace. I'm also laidback in other ways, in that i don't give a crap about superficial stuff like fashion, socio-economic status, or what have you, so if you place high value in such things, i'm not your guy.

I do (non-obsessively) follow sports, even though i can't rationally justify it to myself. Why should i care if one group of drug-addled, genetic freaks that wouldn't give me the time of day defeats another group of drug-addled, genetic freaks that wouldn't give me the time of day? I don't know, but i do.

I am mostly liberal, so if you're a militia member who decries Fox News for its left-wing media bias, you can just stay at home and polish your gun. I do a fair amount of volunteer work, mostly for Planned Parenthood. I tend to be something of a slut for the warm fuzzies i get from helping others. I'm not particularly wild...i don't do drugs and i have no desire to jump out of a perfectly working airplane. Pretty much the most edgy thing i do is bait anti-abortion protestors, knowing full well that one day they might be provoked into just saying "screw it" and start shooting people.

Basically, i'm the culmination of billions of years of evolution.

more about who I'm looking for:
The first deal breaker is that you must be pro-choice. I have difficulty respecting anyone who values an insentient fetus more than a live, thinking, pregnant woman. I tend to be rather allergic to organized religion. Personal religious beliefs are okay, but if you're regularly going to religious services out of your own freewill, it's not going to work out...unless you're only attending church to heckle.

As you can tell, i'm looking for someone with a particular type of sense of humor...the type that actually finds me funny. Being funny yourself is a bonus, but i'm all about the ego-stroking i receive from other people's laughter. Aside from that, i'm a big fan of thinking -- unlike our current president -- so i'm looking for someone that would intellectually stimulate me. I'd like someone kind and considerate...and not only towards me. As far as i'm concerned, if you're nice to me but an asshole to the waiter, you're still an asshole. Looks aren't important as long as you're a reasonably healthy weight.

So, if you think that you're the woman of my dreams, or at least someone that i'd be interested in getting to know, please let me know so i can be loquacious at you some more.

I think the biggest problem is that i come off as too needy, especially when it comes to needing to be thought of as funny. True, that's an accurate reflection of me, but it isn't exactly something i need to stress. If i posted the ad right now, i'd eliminate the entire "your laughter strokes my ego passage" from the second-to-last paragraph. I also may appear to be trying too hard to be funny with some of my other "jokes," so let me know what i should eliminate, since i lack the ability to edit myself.

I should probably purge the "i follow sports" paragraph and perhaps the section on my wrath, since it's my understanding that brevity and wit have some sort of correlation...not that you could ever tell by my writings.

My "The five items I can't live without:" list sucks. My original thought was to end it with ", and you, baby...okay, i'll stop that now..." but i think that'd come across too cheesy and repetitive, even for me.

Aside from that, i'm sure that my unparalleled modesty caused me to forget to boast about some of my myriad of fine qualities. Please remind me of what i should add.

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